It’s time to come back, to write, laugh, cry (there’s been lots of that) but mostly, just to share another life and what’s happening in my world.
Thank you for your patience while we as a family said our final farewells to our very precious sister/sister-in-law/mother/friend, and while we endeavor to find our new normal.
With Christmas hot on our heels my mind is abuzz with how life could be, would be and should be.
And you know, it could be wonderful, it would be amazing if there were no sadness and it should be that you live to see your children and children’s children, and celebrate every christmas till you’re old.
For many though this is not the case, we are not all blessed this way.
This Christmas is going to be our first without Deanne.
Beyond that sentence, I don’t really know what to say.
It’s actually a little difficult to type through the tears, I didn’t know I had any left.
I’m still heartbroken.
Selfishly, it breaks my heart for me, I don’t get to have my friend with me. I don’t get to gossip with her, shop with her, make christmas food with her, make fun of how other people do christmas, hell make fun of each other about how we do Christmas.
I have lost my friend and sister in law and in decision.
I’ve lost my sounding board, I’ve lost the constant chatter that was her way…….
“My Mum’s dead” breaks through my internal monologue.
Every ounce of self pity and sadness for myself and what I’ll never have leave me, I’m thrown a crushing blow by Miss 3 who didn’t mean it to be shocking, but it was. Doing my level best to stay, well, level, I reply, “yes sweetheart she is.”
Miss 3 goes on to tell me all about death and that Mummy isn’t in the box, that’s just her body, the bit we love is who she is and that bit is always with us. Miss 3 continues “and you still have to be nice because she can still hear everything. You know she sits on the end of my bed and tells me a story every night? Mum tells me she loves me”
RIP MY HEART OUT!!!!!
We chat about what it’s like not having Mum around, she says “it’s ok but somedays I really miss my Mum” the precious girl has nary a tear in her eye, it’s just life and these are the facts as seen from her 3 year old perspective.
Sometimes we need to take stock from the 3 year old, let them teach us what’s important and what isn’t. What we can control/change and what we can’t.