As we come to the final hours of what has been a very trying year for many, everyone is eager to leave 2015 back there and move right on forward, headlong into 2016, I’m left sitting here wondering how you ring in the new year whilst still being heartbroken over the old one.
I am really struggling with the notion of leaving the rubbish of 2015 in 2015.
How do you leave behind a year that holds some of the strongest memories and the greatest heartache, when one of those memories is the pain of loss? A pain that you thought you were through, then life brings it up again.
2015 should have been an amazing year.
I should be reminiscing about the wonders of what a fabulous year it was and regale you all with stories, conjouring visions of the clear moonlit night on the beach in Noosa when Mr SS produced a stunning ring and asked me to be by his side for the rest of our born days, the night Mr SS was so divine and asked Miss 9 if she would allow him to be forever in our home, if she would allow him to marry us…..
Yet my heart is heavy with the slew of losses we have endured and the thought of starting anew without those we lost.
I think moving into the new year physically without SIL, (of course i know she’s always with us) is what I’m really struggling with, the idea/notion/emotions that go with moving into the next phase of my life without her.
I feel like I’m leaving her behind, like if I move into the new year it means I will have forgotten her, forgotten the pain of watching her pass, it means I have to leave her and every thing about her in 2015, that that is where our friendship and life together ended and, in reality, on a warm afternoon in late July 2015 her physical life did end, and we started as a family to pave a new normal.
Never did I think this new normal would be so difficult.
As we do move forward into the new year as we must, it is with the knowledge that the experience and loss of 2015 will never be forgotten. That the love that made the loss hurt so much is the love that helps smooth the edges of the broken heart. Nothing can mend that, but the salve of love can soothe.
Wishing you all a year filled with love.